Friends Don't Forward Friends Crappy E-mails

I know, I know: it's been almost a month since I last posted anything coffee mug related. Oh wait, it actually *has* been a month - more so! - since the last line of mugs. Don't worry, I've got a whole bunch lined up for you! Firstly, though, I've gotta get something off my chest.

Fortunately, I've only been a victim of this sort of tragedy only once or twice. However, I have seen many more lives harmed by the (preventable) hazard, that monstrosity known as...The Forwarded Message. I do not mean any forwards that have some sort of actual value to them, such as "customer A would like print X done in Y fashion..." No, for what I am about to discuss is much, much worse.

The Forward has no actual value to it, except to clutter many an inbox, and possibly even kill a brain cell or two. Just why it gets passed around is still unknown, though many hypotheses have been put forth by those studying the phenomena, though these estimations are as varied as the different avatars of The Forward that exist. Indeed, The Forward has several different incarnations, each to appeal to a different audience, but ultimately, all have the same goal: forward this message to as many people as you can so this damned chain won't stop growing.

The first type, and my personal disfavor, is what I like to call the "Amusing Anecdotes", though these are not simply limited to stories, but jokes in general. What should be noted is the ironical use of the word "amusing", as oftentimes the contents of these messages barely break chuckle-worthy. Either a list of jokes or just one long story, these net-letters meant to "brighten one's day" typically, but not always, contain cheap clip art associated with the story. As they are normally targeted towards or sent by housewives and older women who like "cutesy" things, they should be sure to contain at least one joke that is either: mildly sexist a la "Mars vs. Venus"; blonde vs. brunette vs. redhead; or something related to aging/menopause. Those of the first category may contain cheap clip art of an elderly man, or photos of "cute guys" in compromising postures. Many of the jokes are simply copied and pasted from joke websites, unoriginal and even tired.
Example:

Hey! i just thought Id send you this message to brihgten up your day!!!! Thes e jokes are HILARIOUS!!!!!!

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello! We're down here..."
HAHAHAHA! Oh, but theres more!!

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."

The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"

The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."

The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis AND a brain?"

So true!!!! Some more thigns to lightne your mood!!!

A blonde goes into a shop and sees a television set. She asks the clerk if she could purchase it, and he says, "No, we don't sell to blondes." She returns the next day, after dying her hair red, and asks to purchase the tv again. "No," he says once more, "we don't sell to blondes." Confused, the woman asks, "How did you know I was blonde?" "Because," the man said, "that's not a television set. That's a microwave oven."

So 3 blonds get stuck on a island. They find a magic lamp, and, after one tripped and consequently rubbed it, a genie came out and said he'd grant them each one wish. The first one wished that she were able to swim. After being granted the ability to swim, she tried to make it to mainland, but drowned. Another wished she was brunette; she built a boat and made it halfway, but it sunk and she drowned. The third wished she were a redhead, and when that was so, she just walked across the bridge.

Oh, and it gets worse - much worse. Just visit any pop-up ridden joke website that features "sexy" adverts, and you shall see what I mean.


The next sadly common forward is the "Sickeningly Syrupy Schmaltz". This forward contains what the folks behind Snopes.com call "glurge" - gushy, overly-sentimental stories involving puppies and kittens, or some woman (in most cases, the subject is a woman) who overcomes cancer, only to find a renewed faith in God (every case I've read, it's been the Christian God). These forwards are typically sent, again, to housewives and older women, sent either as an "inspirational message", or as one of those "send this to X many people and Y e-mail provider will donate 10 cents" chains. These also may contain low-quality clip art, possibly of angels and kittens.
Example:

Hello friends! I am so glad to write this, as I sit with my three lovely children: my two-month-old, my four-year-old, my six-year-old, and my twelve-year-old. My world is now a brighter place after having spent the past few months in the greatest turmoils.

Back in February, my mother had been in ICU for kidney failure and a bladder infection. She didn't have any insurance, so it cost us an arm and a leg just to get her through the door. We were already having financial problems because I was also trying to overcome massive credit card debt, and faced foreclosure and homelessness. I was still pregnant with Chase, my two-month-old, at the time. I was going to the hospital one day to see my mother when I was hit by another car speeding a light. The first thing I thought of was my baby, but I remembered that Ashlay, my six-year-old, was also with me in the car, and I hurried to the backseat to see that she was unconscious.

Well, we were immediately rushed to the hospital. I was so scared for both my babies' lives! It turns out that I was okay, just brused, but it turned out that my darling daughter had not only a concussion, but also leukemia! This was devastating news to my family. Then, to top things off, my twelve-year-old son Matt fell off his bike into a sewer and fell on his head, and the doctors called him a vegetable!

At this point, I was beginning to break down. I had not been at work in awhile because of all these problems, and so then I lost my job. The bills piled high, and no end in sight. I was just about to commit suicide (my god!) when I started praying to God. I prayed to him every night and every dawn. And, soon enough, my prayers were answered. First, my mother died - a pain to me, but also a relief, for we no longer had to pay for her medical bills. Then, I got a new job - a better job! Then, my children all got better! Then, all the bills got paid off!

Yes, I thank God and Jesus that I'm here today! It's by the hands of angels that my family was saved from ruin! AND, every forward of this letter, AOL will contribute ten cents to the Grief Stricken Families of America.

In the same "we're outrightly telling you to forward this" family comes its black sheep - the "Forward This Message or X will Happen to You". This forward is particularly menacing, containing a story about some person who died in some tragic way, and now that you, the curious one, have read the message, you're doomed to die in some painful manner at the hands of that if you don't forward the message to X many people. Oftentimes, this description is accompanied with an eerie picture of said person. These eerie forwards tend to be sent by the younger scene, around 13-17, or by anyone who is particularly superstitious.

Example:

Many years ago, a girl named Polly Anna Windlebee lived in a suburb very much like your own. She dabbled into the black arts and witchcraft. Unfortunately, she attracted the attentions of a serial rapist, who kidnapped her and killed her. He died within moments of dropping her body into a sewer. Her body was never found, though.
Last known picture of her:

Now that you've read this, she'll appear and kill you, unless you forward this to 11 of your friends within the next ten minutes. Your time is running up.

A similar e-mail in this family promises a reward for forwarding their message. It typically begins with some testimonial or happy story, maybe a "questionare", then followed by many, many series of ">>>>", possibly because of copy-pasta errors. Also, the different number of forwards you send grant you different rewards. These also tend to be spread amongst teens and those who believe that spamming their friends' inboxes will grant them their every desire.

Example:

>>>OMG!!!! This works!!!!
>>>>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>>Try this!!!
>>>>>OMG I didnt believe it either until I sent it! Before this, I was jsut a loner, no life, no nothing.
>>>But now, I'm living with the love of my life! We live in a condo in Florida, and I've got a great job as a pediatrician!
>>>>
>>>
>>
>>>>Make a wish!!!!!
>>>
>>>>>
>>
>>>>
>>>
>>If you send this to 0 ppl: your life will suck, and you won't get any.
>>If you send this to 5 ppl: your life will be ok
>>>if u send this to 10 ppl: you will have a happy life
>>>> if you send this to 20 ppl: you will live your dreams!!!!!!!!
only in the first ten minutes, though!!!!! So hurry!!!!!!!!!!!

And finally comes the ultimate teen forward: the "quiz". Once you know that Oprah, Robin Williams, Will Smith, and Robert Joy took this "quiz", you know you'll definitely want to take it, too! Essentially, it's some sort of yes/no or 1/2/3 type of survey, and when you add up the yes/nos or numbers, you'll end up in some sort of arbitrary personality category. Oftentimes used in conjunction with the immediately preceding type of e-mail forward.

Example:

>>>Hey!! Take this!!!!
>>
>>>Oprah took it! and she got a 32!!!!
>>>
>>>Robin Williams took it, and he got a 15!!!!
>>
>>>>>Will Smith took it, and he got a 242!!!!
>>>
>>>Robert Joy took it, and he got a 44!!!
>>
>>what is it?
>>>only the greatest personality finder ever!!!!
>>>grab a pen and pencil!
>>
>>>and put the number corresponding to your answer on paper! Then add em up and find your personality block!!!!
>>ready?
>>no peeking!!!!
>>GO!!!!!!!!!
1.) You're loaded with work, but you feel totally stressed. What do you do?: eat pudding (3); call your mom (17); chill with your pals at the bar (4); watch TV (2); work anyway (-4)
2.)You've been invited to your best friend's party and you agree to go, but your significant other's birthday celebration is at the same date and time! You: eat pudding (3); call off the engagement with significant other (5); call off engagement with friend (81); somehow squeeze in both (4)
3.) You're significant other has just proposed, even early in the relationship! You: eat pudding (3); reject the proposal (-8); accept the proposal (11); call your mom (52)
4.) You've won a trip to Jamaica! You: pack your bags (7); eat pudding (3); dance a jig (187); call your mom (15); hug your cat (4)
>>>If you got...
1-22: You're adventurous and spunky! You love thrills and excitement, and are a free spirit! You don't let anything get in your way, which sometimes becomes a problem when working with others, but you're still respected for your independence!
23-47: You're loyal and determined! You're a true friend, but don't go overboard. You hold your own opinions and ideas, but you can be a bit stubborn.
48-57: You are honest and creative! Though sometimes brutally honest, you are sure to let the truth shine! You also can come up with a creative solution to any problem! Art comes naturally to you!
Oh, and if you forward this message to your friends, youre dreams will come true and you'll have a boy/girlfriend!!!!!

Those are all the forwards I have come across in my adventures on the internet. If you have any edits you'd like made, don't be shy, and comment or e-mail me at metal_enthalpy@yahoo.com. Also, e-mail me with any of your mugshots!
Next spleen vent: "Crappy Clip Art Does *not* Make Your Website/E-mail Look Cool"

UPDATE: Furthermore, don't open e-mail attachments that you aren't expecting! That's how people get viruses! Oi vey!